


In Being Good

by whensheflies



Category: Kushiel's Legacy - Jacqueline Carey
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-28
Updated: 2009-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-25 23:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3828652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whensheflies/pseuds/whensheflies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is the Longest Night and Imriel is finally of age. While preparing for the Queen's ball, Imriel contemplates his dark side and the consequences of his desires.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Being Good

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on lj in 2009.

_I want to be good._

It was a principle that I strived to uphold, but since gaining my majority I found it dangerously more difficult. The red haze of violent desire was ever present in the back of my mind and only the knowingly stern glances from Joscelin quelled my need for something potentially disastrous. Mayhap it was not wrong, no. Mayhap it was the will of Elua. _Love as thou wilt_ was our one D’Angeline belief after all.

It happened on the Longest Night.

Pressing a kiss on my foster mother’s temple, Joscelin left us to go hold his silent vigil to Cassiel. This year, I chose to go to the festivities with Phedre rather than tiring my knees on the cold stone floor of Cassiel’s temple with Joscelin. I was an adult now and I intended to at least attempt to enjoy myself. My chances were greater at Ysandre’s De la Courcel’s court where _joie_ would flow freely, loosening tongues and inhibitions. But the girls at court meant nothing to me. I needed someone who understood the darkness I had inside me, someone who could relate to me.

“Ah, Elua.”

My foster mother’s soft curse roused me from my thoughts. I stood, leaning against the entrance to Phedre’s room, watching as her attendants readied her for tonight’s fete. She was a vision in the black gown Favrielle no Eglantine had created for her. It was simple, yet stunning with a plunging neckline and open back to expose her marque. Her eyes caught mine in the vanity; her fingers pinning back dark curls.

“Imriel, can you help me with my necklace?” With a voice like red wine, I was intoxicated by the sound of it. Like a moth to a flame, I was drawn to her. A wave of my hand sent Phedre’s attendants out of the room with bowed heads. I didn’t like using my status as Prince of the Blood, but sometimes it was easier.

I wanted to be good. I really truly did, but knowing what Phedre was, and what I am…the sweet misery that we could be capable of…it was too much. The pull of the darkness was overwhelming. I had to give in. At least just this once might grant me release from my needs.

Soundlessly, I took the necklace from the velvet pouch on her vanity admiring the shine and sparkle of the ruby and diamond string. I pulled the necklace taut, wrapping the jewels around my fists, investigating the glint of the rubies. They almost looked like drops of blood. Blood I so longed to shed. I wanted to make her scream.

I slowly laid the chain around her neck, latching it, and letting the longer end fall between her breasts. Her reflection smiled at me and she turned and stood to face me. “Thank you, Imri,” she said, and upon seeing my conflicted face asked, “Is everything alright?”

I turned away from her, crossing my arms petulantly. “Everything, Phedre.” I growled.

“You must tell me, love. It’s the only way I can understand.” She placed her hand on my cheek to comfort me.

A wave of violent desire came over her with the feeling of her touch. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away. Squeezing tightly, I felt the delicate bones of her wrist shift under my hold. The look in her eyes told me she knew and she felt what I did. Mayhap she was even frightened. I reveled in the power I held over this moment.

Pushing her hand away, I floated somewhere between want and disgust. I reached between her breasts and pulled tightly on her necklace, bringing her face nearer to mine. “I would have you like my mother once did. Would you let me pull you around on a leash and parade you throughout court?” I asked venomously.

“If that is what you truly want, Imriel.”

I hated her for acquiescing so easily and I hated myself for wanting her so desperately. I released the chain and buried my hand in her dark hair, pulling hard. I swallowed her sudden gasp and kissed her hard. Every fibre of my being was alive and aware when her lips parted underneath mine, surrendering fully. Elua, it was everything I had ever dreamed of.

_Imriel._

“Imriel!”

It was Joscelin’s voice. My knees throbbed and my back ached. I shook my head wearily, coming back to my senses. I took in my surroundings, Joscelin was kneeling next to me looking concerned.

“You were dreaming. Is everything alright?” he asked.

I looked up at the statue of blessed Elua, thinking of Cassiel who gave up everything to follow by Elua’s side. I pushed my dark dreams aside. “I’m fine,” I whispered, “Next time, wake me when I slumber.”

Joscelin nodded and returned to his meditation.

I want to be good. The more I learned about myself and the older I grew, I realized how truly difficult my one principle would be. I want to be good.


End file.
